“Saying Goodbye” is a skill that most of us don’t learn in childhood, along with math and sports. It can trip us up when loss hits.

“Patricia”* is old enough to have grandchildren in college, but she was still troubled by a traumatic incident from her own childhood. Her father died in a car accident on her birthday. Instead of her father arriving at her party with hugs and presents, policemen arrived with the sad news. Patricia never got over it. She suffered from mental illness all her life, going from one “band-aid” cure to another. Her family never could understand her panic attacks, depression, and often-bizarre behavior.

In therapy, we looked at Patricia’s unresolved loss and whether it may have led to her chronic mental illnesses. We planned a “goodbye” session. She got sick, she no-showed for her appointments, she cancelled, but each time contact resumed, she emphatically stated that this was the direction she wanted to go. Finally, the “goodbye” session happened. With relaxation techniques she was able to return, in memory, to the feelings of being happy with her father. In that state she was able to say to him the things she would have said, had she been able, before he died, and things she would say now, knowing what she knows as an adult.

That was more than a year ago. I haven’t seen Patricia since, but she calls once in a while to tell me that she’s doing much better, or to talk for a few minutes about a particular situation. Her family is happy as well. She thanks me for helping her “get a life,” and I tell her I’m glad she’s found the life she’d always had, hidden away, now hers.

* Client names have been changed to protect their confidentiality.