Congruency
One of the most important choices we can make to help us achieve sound and wholesome mental health is to choose to live a "congruent" lifestyle…. in other words, "to be on the inside who we say we are on the outside". To make our public face just the same as our private face. To know that, if given a choice, we would make the same decision whether others would know about it or not. While this sounds simple it is not.

For example, when I claim I am honest and then turn to my neighbor and lie about my choices for that moment I am not honest but dishonest. If I tell my children it is important to tell the truth and then sneak them into the movie theater, for a moment, I am fragmented, split, unresolved, or in other words I am not whole or congruent.

Not only does my incongruency effect my well being but the well being of my children, my spouse, my associates, all people that I share a relationship with. When we profess one thing and do another it leads to confusion, we find ourselves rationalizing or making excuses for our choices. We are also making a verbal and non-verbal statement that we may not be trustworthy because in essence we say one thing and do another. If I attempt to live a congruent life I will find peace and contentment that comes with this choice to live with integrity.

Perceptions result from how we were raised
The congruency exhibited by the adults who raised us is often at the core of our perceptions. I believe that your perceptions of the world are, most likely, different than my perceptions of the world. Knowing that our perceptions are different from the people around us helps us to be accepting, tolerant, kind and patient. I find as I work with people that our early life experience has a significant effect on how we perceive the world.

As I said earlier, in large part, our perceptions are based on the level of congruency shown by the adults in our lives. For example, if a person grew up being severely abused by their parent, it is likely that that person's perceptions of the world and of other people will be very different than those of the person who grew up in a loving, nurturing environment. The abuse victim may have difficulty trusting, and rightly so. If your parent harmed you, you may be conditioned at a young age to believe that people who "love" you in reality harm you. You may be confused by the concept of love and think that love somehow involves hurting others or being the one hurt. You may have learned to turn off emotion because to survive abuse one of the coping skills used by the victim is to not feel. Eventually an adult abused as a child is left to sort through the trauma and pain of childhood and to attempt to figure out how to have a healthy relationship.

On the other hand, the child, who's parent truly nurtured them in an appropriate loving environment, is usually trusting because the child's environment allowed for trust. Both of these children, now adults, when faced with an identical situation may have different perceptions. While one may trust the proclaimed intentions of others, the adult, who was hurt by a parent, may experience distrust and wonder what people are really up to, what is their motive?

You can see how this concept of perception ties in with congruency. Because a parent appeared and proclaimed to be safe and nurturing and then went home to harm a child, the child's perceptions are altered. Congruency, choosing to be who we are in both word and deed, breeds perceptions of health, trust, and hope. Incongruency, saying one thing and doing another, breeds distrust, fear, and anxiety.

As humans we are not unreasonable
What does this mean to us as adults? First, to be patient with ourselves and with others. Second, To know that when someone acts in what seems an unreasonable manner that in reality they have a reason. We just don't understand their reasons. Knowing that our individual life experiences help to shape us is fundamental and beneficial as we work together. While I may not understand why Suzy is angry over something that seems simple and insignificant to me, I try to understand that her feelings and perceptions are often rooted in her life experience and the anger does have significance in Suzy's life.

I believe that it is often the case that "where much is given much is required . . ." For those of you who where raised in an environment that promoted emotional well being "much was given." I believe it is up to you now to give understanding, tolerance, and love. Behave in such a way that allows people to trust you - that encourages others to believe that mankind can be good, allowing others to believe in patience, hope and, most of all, unconditional love. Do not judge harshly but remember people have reasons, we just don't know their reasons.

If you did not grow up in a healthy family I encourage you to break the patterns set by your forebears to ensure that you create a healthy family. Look around you, adopt new behaviors and talk to those you respect and ask them for ideas. Most importantly, act with integrity. If it is too difficult to sort through the trauma, emotions, and patterns of the past seek help from your trustworthy family and friends and if needed a mental health counselor.

I have used two examples in regard to life experience, each on opposite ends of a continuum. For most of us our experience lies somewhere in the middle. I encourage you to attempt to understand why you do what you do and then determine whether your choices are based in health and well-being or rooted in negative patterns most likely established long ago. Give yourself the opportunity to assess your reasons and motives as you make daily choices and decisions. Then begin to change those patterns that appear to be unhealthy and enjoy those that bring contentment and happiness.

Jody McClellan, M.Ed., is a therapist in the Kennewick, Washington, office of LCS. Jody believes that all people have the capacity to learn and understand their own mission and worth. She specializes in helping those dealing with post-traumatic stress and family conflict.