So you've survived diapers, ear infections and daycare and have maintained a loving relationship with your child throughout early childhood. The leap from elementary to middle school was a stretch. There were assurances and fears to overcome as well as a need for an increase in structure but the parents and young adolescent survived and by 8th grade, both were feeling fairly competent. Then comes the next natural hurdle; high school. It is a fun and exciting time of brand new freedoms, responsibilities and choices for your adolescent, but for parents, it's a bewildering experience. Listed below are frequently heard laments uttered by parents of teenagers:

• Why doesn't she talk to me anymore?
• Why is everything an argument?
• What has happened to my compliant, happy-go-lucky child?
• She/he is so critical of me, even the way I swallow my food is not right.
• He acts like it is painful for him to be seen in public with me. He used to be so affectionate.

It hurts to feel that your child is viewing you critically and appears to be rejecting you. It is difficult not to take the behavior of your teenager personally and to become resentful.

It's essential that you, as the parent, understand that this behavior is part of the individuation process. It is a very necessary step in the developmental process for your child to become a self-sufficient individual. Essentially, it's your child's second run at the 'terrible twos'.

Let's use the analogy of a little rowboat tied up to a dock. The family unit, however you have defined it, is the dock and the child is the rowboat. It has been very safe at the dock and for many years the rope mooring the boat has been short, but lately it has lengthened and the rowboat sees places on the lake that it would like to visit (other families and their cultures, college, etc.) but it is so calm next to the dock that the row boat cannot move away. He needs some momentum and so he starts 'rocking the boat' to 'make waves'. A healthy, developing child needs to individuate from his parents and family. There is a driving need to become their own person and eventually break away and find his/her own way in life. This is the goal of late adolescence and early adulthood but it doesn't happen overnight; it is a process. He/she has to make waves; it has to become somewhat uncomfortable in order to someday, leave.

What Can I do, as a parent?

• Be a firm and stable dock. Hold strong to your values and give your child a reliable structure from which to push off.
• Understand that the wrenching away is scary but essential.
• Be a constant in your child's life; be his/her North Star.
• Your teenager needs opportunities to gain competence in the skills necessary to survive. Take the time to teach him/her to cook, care for their own clothes, manage money and demonstrate responsibility.
• Recognize your child's competencies with respect.
• Continue to love and support and above all, stop to listen when your teen does decide to share with you.

The emotional distancing is the hardest for a parent to deal with but it is only temporary. Your adolescent will push you away early in the high school experience and be back emotionally before he/she graduates. How often the rowboat returns to the dock in the years ahead depends on how well parents respond to the conflict of the teen years. Keep in mind that the parent-child relationship is one that lasts a life-time and is more important than any number of tempestuous squalls.