Starting a conversation with your kids about sex can be one of the most awkward and difficult things you have to tackle as a parent, but is by far one of the most important ways you can influence their lives for the better. It's been shown that teens and pre-teens who have open, positive relationships and communication with their parents are better able to avoid being drawn into high-risk behaviors, such as early sexual activity. And, believe it or not, teens surveyed said that they actually are influenced by their parents' opinions.

How can you keep your kids from becoming sexually active too soon? If you're a parent you know you can't keep them locked in their room or follow them around all day. You may not be able to control your kids' lives, but you can have a positive influence on them by being honest and open about how you feel about sex to help them make the best choices.

All parents want to have open and positive communication with their kids. We know that good family communication is essential for kids to grow up into health adults. But with all the stress of our busy lives, we sometimes forget to make that extra effort to maintain good communications with our children. Whether the topic is sex, or something less awkward, there are some basic rules to follow to make talking to your kids more enjoyable and effective:

• Relax. Good communication can't happen if everyone is tired and tense.
• Choose the right time and place. Wait until you're not distracted in a hurry - set aside enough time to really connect.
• Listen. Effective listening is more than just "not talking". Acknowledge what your child is saying and show that you understand, even if you don't agree.
• Enhance their self-esteem. Praise your child for as many positive things as you can find. Try to mention at least one positive thing in your child's life or behavior to praise each time you talk.
• Don't lecture. You shouldn't be doing all the talking. Let your child have equal time.
• Don't make up your mind ahead of time. If you are only interested in getting your points across, you will never hear your child's side of things.
• Don't criticize your child, criticize the behavior. Let them know that, although you might not always like what they do, you always love them.

But, no matter how good a relationship they have with their kids, when it comes to talking about sex, many parents don't know where to start or simply avoid the subject altogether ("they'll get it in sex-ed at school"). Parents often say that if they could think of a good opening they would be more comfortable in bringing up the topic of sex. Here are some good strategies to break the ice:

• The direct approach is usually best. For example, if you think your 12 year old is wearing too much makeup, in a calm, direct voice say "I have a problem with the amount of makeup you're wearing and I'd like to talk about it." If your child becomes too emotional, don't overreact. At least it's out in the open and you can come back to it later.
• State how you feel. Most kids are used to lectures and being told what to do. But when adults ask about their feelings, it puts them more at ease.
• Start with a comfortable subject. Once you've broken the ice, you can move toward more difficult or embarrassing topics.
• Start by sharing an experience you had at their age. For example, you might say: "When I was in sixth grade there was a boy in my class who said he already had sex. Nobody believed him though."
• Start by telling a story and ask them what they think. Here's an example: "Yesterday I read a story in a magazine about a teenage girl who got pregnant and was having a baby. The story said she had lots of problems with her family and school. What do think it would be like to be that age and be pregnant?"

Two of the most important ways to build better communication with your child, about sex or any other topic, are to look for teachable moments, and to be an "askable" parent.

Teachable moments occur when your child can learn something from an everyday occurrence. For example, maybe you're watching a TV show together in which a young couple decides to have sex. Find out what your child thinks about the scene and offer your feelings as well. This is a great springboard to a longer conversation about personal issues like sex that you might otherwise have a hard time starting.

An "askable" parent is someone who encourages their children to ask questions and can be easily approached for information and guidance. If your child knows they can come to you with any question or problem, knowing that you'll listen and do your best to give them the answers or help they're seeking, ever for the most run-of-the mill issues, then they'll be more likely to come to you when the issues become more serious.

Remember, your child is more likely to come to you with problems or questions, and be more receptive to your thoughts and concerns if you have taken the time to lay the groundwork for open communication.