Just like many of you my husband I have read parenting books and magazines, taken classes, asked friends, called our own parents, and yes, on occasion, even watched talk shows to discover effective and healthy parenting techniques. As a young mother I found one of my favorite sources for gathering ideas was watching other families and looking for methods and approaches that seemed to work for them. I would then go home and try them on for size. Some fit our family's needs and became a part of our tradition while others were tried on and cast off because they just did not seem to suit us.

Here are some of concepts gleaned from friends, acquaintances, religious associations, and the like. I like to call them "ideas that worked" I hope that some of them work for you.

Eating Dinner as a Family: As your children mature and become more active eating as a family can become more and more difficult. However, the concept of being together for a period each day to talk about school, world events, the effects of drugs and alcohol, or who may be the next Olympic Gold Medal winner is extremely beneficial. Our children will learn to be socially adept as they learn appropriate manners and communication skills. They will also learn to confide in you as you treat their conversation with respect and sincere interest.

Savage Night: One night a week our children are allowed to eat whatever they want for dinner, as long as they can fix it themselves. Not only can they choose to eat whatever their heart desires but they can have their music playing, chomp if they should feel inclined and really just relax, hence the title "savage night." While this sounds a bit raucous it is really just fun and silly. Mom and Dad can relax and quit reminding them of those important manners for once, and the children can eat anything from cold cereal to ice-cream. By the way, this is often "date night" for Mom and Dad.

Family Night: One night a week is designated as family night. No other activities are scheduled on this evening and the family knows this evening will be spent together. Movies, golf, and bowling are a few of the children's favorite activities. This night is also used to teach our children about moral values and spiritual beliefs as well as explaining significant events or holidays. One of the most important elements of this evening is that our children receive the message that no matter how hectic our schedule, family is a priority.

Laugh with your Children: Take the time to find activities that promote laughter and fun. Your children will find it easier to relate to you as they experience first hand that you are someone they can have fun with and even unwind and relax with. As you let go of the cares and demands imposed by everyday living, let alone those more difficult times of trial and pain, your children will learn to cope with the negative by seeing it is OK to disengage from worry and stress once in a while.

Role Model Appropriate Behavior: Isn't it ironic that we find ourselves yelling at our children to quit screaming or spanking our children for hitting their brother or sister? Remember your children will model your behavior. As you speak with respect and concern they will do the same as they interact with you. As you treat your partner with esteem and admiration your children will treat their friends and family with the equivalent. If one day your child should decide to try behaviors such as cursing, yelling, or negative labels imagine the power you will hold if you can explain that the behaviors are unacceptable and not used in your home. The child will understand this request.

Use Praise: There are two types of praise that every child needs. The first is praise earned for good behavior and correct choices. This type of earned praise is easily administered and readily accepted. The second type of praise is praise for "being." No act is necessary, no requirement need be met for this praise. The child is told they are important, essential, and wonderful just because they are who they are. Both work wonders and both are essential to good self-esteem. John Gottman, a respected researcher in the area of marriage, espouses that those marriages that last usually include the "rule of ten," ten good things are said to every negative. I would think that this rule could be applied to our interactions with our children as well.

It all comes down to creating traditions. If you were fortunate enough to have grown up in a family where healthy traditions were established, take the time and effort to pass them on to your children. If traditions are not a part of your background then take the time and effort to create them. Your children will learn to look forward to those fixed and stable patterns of behavior as long as they promote health, well being, happiness and respect. Do you have clam chowder every Christmas Eve or do you order pizza? Is there an Easter egg hunt in your back yard or do you go to the Union Gospel Mission and assist with serving and preparing a meal? Does Dad make pancakes on most Saturday mornings? Do you have an all green dinner every St. Patrick's Day? Do you tell your children you love them as they walk out the door? I know one mother, who as her children were leaving the house almost always said, "no sex, drugs, or rock and roll, well, maybe the rock and roll's OK." Her kids, now grown, laugh about this quip years later and believe the message was an effective one. Take the time to find what works for you and take an active role in creating a lasting and loving heritage for your most important undertaking, your family.