As parents, we all want our children to grow up as happy, healthy and responsible members of society. Parenting children can be a very satisfying and rewarding experience; it can also be full of pain, frustration and sacrifice. The task of parenting is not an easy one no matter how old your child is. Just when you are relieved of nighttime feedings and diaper changes a new challenge comes along, like dealing with a tantrum….in the grocery store…..in the presence of your best friend whose children never whine, complain or tantrum!! Then come the struggles of going to school: fitting in, dealing with teachers, homework, bullies, acne, peer pressure…..you get the idea. My friends who have grown children with families of their own assure me that the job does not end when they are 18+ and out of the house. I believe that when a child is born, parents truly want the very best life experience for that child. Just like our parents wanted for us, we want them to play, learn and grow to their fullest potential.

As human beings we all want to feel loved and capable. In order to help our children feel loved and capable, there are two things that we as parents must do our best to provide: Discipline and Unconditional Love. As children grow and develop, their need for discipline and unconditional love does not change. It is our job as parents to find ways to meet these needs depending on our child's age and maturity.

Discipline happens in a relationship. The better the relationship the higher the likelihood that a parent will get compliance and cooperation from a child. This does not mean being a friend to your child. All children need limits. They are more secure when they know the rules and what is expected of them. Children are not prepared and truly do not want the job of making the house rules, but they will take charge (bully, tantrum, disobey, boss others) if no one else will.

It is a child's "job" to test the limits set and the parent's "job" to enforce them with logical consequences. Consequences should be appropriate to the misbehavior. Be creative, for example if a child is constantly sleeping in and not ready for school, set an earlier bed time, start waking him/her earlier, leave the house even if he/she has to dress in the car, maybe he/she will have to miss a breakfast or two. Of course you know your child best; the point is not to humiliate or harm but to teach what is and is not acceptable. As often as possible offer win/win choices. Allow kids to decide when or how, but not if he/she will do something. Does it really matter if he/she takes out the garbage this instant or in an hour? Kids need opportunities to make choices. Your behavior serves as a model.

Be a model of the behaviors you would like your children to exhibit. Be prepared to act. Don't talk when behavior must be stopped or when the rule is well known. For instance, if you see a child throwing sand five minutes after you have spoken to him/her about this, walk to the child and remove him/her from the play area; no discussion necessary. Whew! Discipline involves constant action on the part of the parent(s) and is by no means an easy task. Just when you have discovered how to extinguish one unacceptable behavior a new one pops up.

Showing unconditional love also requires action and can be just as difficult as providing discipline, especially if you did not experience this kind of love as a child. In a nut shell, unconditional love means loving a person no matter what! Unconditional love means separating the behavior from the child. You may really hate a particular behavior but you continue to love your child. If you see behavior you don't like, make a statement about the behavior without labeling a child or his/her personality. Better yet, make a positive statement about what behavior you expect. Give kids attention when they are doing what you want. Encourage them for their efforts; they shouldn't have to be the "best" to get recognition. Be willing to listen without judging. Show sensitivity and understanding to your child in a way that conveys acceptance of his/her feelings and needs.

Eye contact is crucial not only for good communication but in filling a child's emotional needs. Physical contact, along with eye contact, is a precious gift we can give our children. Those special moments created when giving eye and physical contact can be the moments your child will recall when he or she is having difficulties in life. Focused attention requires the sacrifice of a parent's time. Especially when a child desperately needs focused attention and when a parent feels least like giving it. We need to determine our priorities. The goal of focused attention is for the child to feel that he or she is the most important person in the world to his or her parent(s). Investing in one-to-one time each day with your kids can have long lasting effects. This time doesn't need to be spent engaging in elaborate activities, as little as 15 minutes of your time can feel like a lot to a child. Don't forget to have FUN!