How do you define marriage? What does it mean to take a vow for better or for worse? What kinds of requirements should one meet in order to be eligible for such a complex and demanding experience? What can you do to avoid becoming another divorce statistic?

Marriage is an universal institution, one based on our beliefs in procreation, companionship, family and the most elusive of all, TRUE LOVE. From the time we are toddlers, we learn about romantic love. Lady falls in love with that naughty dog, Tramp. Minny will do just about anything to keep Micky in her loving little grip and Cinderella calls upon her fairy Godmother to score a date with the Prince. Later we watch sitcoms, soaps and movies all designed to teach us about romantic love. We buy into it, hoping this blissful promise comes true for us: we will fall in love and live happily ever after.

Unfortunately it's just not as simple as two sniffing dogs in the park. Marriage is a commitment to something greater than oneself. A marital relationship is contract to build an edifice of emotional, mental, physical and sexual compatibility with another human being. It involves work, self-reflection, compromise, sacrifice and a ton, yes a ton of forgiveness. Don't get me wrong. I'm not suggesting that one gives up oneself for marriage, but rather learns to finely tune the demands of individual needs to marital requirements. Every marriage has its own rules, implicit or otherwise. Some couples never go out unless together; others have separate social lives. Some couples share the finances while others have separate bank accounts. Jews marry Catholics, big game hunters marry anti-gun advocates, older women with grandchildren marry men just out of college. How do we make it work after the swooning, dizzying, I-want-to-be-with-you-at-all-costs feeling wears off and we're facing that person who snores, or talks too much or forgets to put the cap on the toothpaste tube? Hopefully by the time it does, you have a foundation, fragile as it might be.
Each experience adds to this foundation. All experiences, good, bad and blissful, help a marriage to grow, or conversely, to crumble. Which way it goes depends on your tools, the types of cement you have to keep things together.
Here are some tips from an old married woman to see you through your marital journey.

1. Buy the book, "If Love is a Game, These are the Rules" by Cherie Carter-Scott, Ph.D. A brilliant, hand-ons approach to problem-solving.
   
   
2. Give it time. Marriage needs time. You can't work all day, take the kids to a million activities, do your chores, go to the gym and drop in to 'visit' with your spouse at 10:00pm on a daily basis and expect to have a healthy marriage. Marriage, like your health, needs time and attention. On this one, you can't just "get by." People get lonely. People are vulnerable. People have affairs sometimes.
   
   
3. Assume responsibility. This goes along with the above. You have a responsibility to your marriage, just like your job. That means you continue to try to make it better. You date your spouse, you tell them you love them, (every day), you deal with your personal garbage, ie. addictions, bad habits, poor communication, emotional detachment. You sacrifice sometimes.
   
   
4. Keep learning. Continue to learn about relationships. Just like children, adults go through various developmental stages in their lives. (ever heard of the mid-life crisis? Believe me, folks it's real, for BOTH sexes) Learn about yourself and in doing so, you will grow and consequently, so will your relationship.
   
   
5. Expect boundaries. You should have a set of rules that both you and your spouse agree upon. Most of the time, these rules will have to be worked out through compromise and adjusted over time. When Joanie and Bruce's two children were young, they agreed that neither would go out socially without the other. They simply didn't have the time or the money. Once the kids were teenagers, however, and Joanie was back to work, the couple developed separate social activities as well as mutual ones.
   
   
6. Decide which battle to fight. Don't fight over every little thing, like the cap on the toothpaste tube. So many marriages are sabotaged by trivia. If you wouldn't fight with your best friend over it, why do you fight with your spouse? Treat your spouse with the same respect, compassion and loyalty you would a best friend. In other words, treat your spouse as you would like to be treated.
   
   
7. Team parent. Figure it out, folks. The four primary reasons people divorce are: sex, in-laws, money and parenting. Notice I don't say 'kids'. You need to sort out your differences, especially with parenting. Create a workable style, support one another when disciplining the kids and most importantly, don't let those sweet little sunshines run the show.
   
   
8. Laughter. Laughter. Laughter. Need I say more?
   
   
9. Power struggles, NOT. Unless you're being abused, don't waste your time. Learn the meaning of win-win. Don't chisel away the foundation of your marriage for the sake of personal power. If you need to fight for power, do it somewhere else in your life. Find a cause, become a body builder, compete in a sport. As a marriage counselor and a married woman, I've noticed that power struggles are one the most destructive problems facing marriages today. There are more important things in this world. Learn one another's strengths and weaknesses and use these to develop efficiency.
   
   
10. Finally, show your love. Kiss, hug, tickle, bat your eyes, do the tango. I don't care what it is, but show it! Keep that love alive, baby! Worship that sacred aspect of your marriage called sex. Give and receive the joy that special kind of intimacy offers. Learn to trust, experiment and have fun. After all, you chose this person, once upon a time…