When relationships are new, it seems effortless to experience frequent moments of intimacy throughout the day and evening. However, as couples progress to deeper levels of commitment, romance and spontaneity can become more elusive. The demands of job, home, children, extended family, etc., can begin to take precedent over enjoyable time spent together. Time alone together can become a luxury and not a necessity.

As human beings, we have innate needs for closeness and feelings of oneness as well as needs for separateness and individuality. The need for closeness drives us to seek relationships and is the main focus in the early stages. As the relationship matures, we may feel the need to seek our own personal identity and find room for separateness. Often these needs arise at different times for couples: as one person seeks separateness the other may panic and attempt to return to the initial stage of bliss.

Keeping the flame of love alive is not hard if we recognize that these polar opposite needs exist in each of us and that they are a natural part of a relationship. Allowing time apart from each other for personal renewal is just as important as spending time together in mutually satisfying activities. The key is finding balance.

A good place to start is with a thorough personal inventory. Here we can identify the three most important things in our life and place them in order of priority. Now we can concentrate our daily activities toward nurturing these three goals.

If spending romantic time with your significant other is a top priority you can schedule weekly "dates" just like when you were single and courting. This may mean dropping or postponing activities that do not directly contribute to this goal. If you can no longer think of any mutually enjoyable activities, then take turns planning the "date". To ensure that your attempts do not fizzle, find a babysitter willing to commit to the same time every week. Additionally plan an out-of-town weekend getaway without the kids every three months and take an extended vacation (kids are okay) every year.

Unfortunately, we Americans have not maintained the commitment to annual family vacations or "holidays". If fact, statistics indicate, that we average more hours of work per week than in the past and vacation less. Working without a break to rejuvenate the senses, as well as rekindle our significant relationships can bring on symptoms of depression. When we are depressed, we no longer have the physical or creative energy to engage in our usual hobbies and the joy seems to leave our close relationships.

Raising children definitely requires more of our time. We may need to make long-term goals in tandem with our significant other to balance time spent with children, individual hobbies, job demands, and time alone together. We Americans are known for doing almost everything cheaper, quicker and better. However, our bodies do not operate the same way as the technology we have designed to free us from engaging in repetitive drudgery. As human beings, we still need time, a precious commodity, to nurture ourselves, our children, and our significant relationships. More than ever, I think we can all appreciate that time is money, and money can not replace intimate time spent together.

Communicating our need for time together and time apart may be difficult. If we need more time alone without interruption from others, we may be afraid of hurting the other persons' feelings when we tell them we need less of them and not more. Conversely, we may no longer be able to enjoy any time together because everything that is said triggers hurtful memories. Listening - REALLY LISTENING - is the key to getting past these initial fears.

Active listening involves setting aside time to talk when both people are calm and not overly tired or emotional: a time to talk for 20-30 minutes without erupting in anger or tears. Give your undivided attention to the one you love by making eye contact and not becoming distracted with anything else, such as the television, newspaper, magazine, or household activity. Hear the other person out by allowing them the opportunity to speak without interruption, or finishing their sentences. Do not preplan what you will say while they are talking. Instead, allow yourself to hear their words without reaction. I find it's usually wise NOT to say the first thing that pops into your head! Rather, allow yourself time to process your own feelings before addressing the others' concerns.

Next, validate your partner's feelings by reiterating the essence of what you heard them say before moving on to how you feel. If you did not understand what your loved one was attempting to communicate to you, allow them the opportunity to clarify their concerns until you both are able to restate the other's position to their satisfaction. This is an advanced communication skill that takes practice to learn, but is well worth the effort. You may find taking a class or seeing a counselor would be beneficial in assisting you to improve your listening and communication skills.

Other ways to keep the flame alive are:

• Give ongoing physical affection and touching.
• Provide periodic surprises, both small and large.
• Take the time to build in special pleasures throughout the day.
• Practice forgiveness with each other - hard to do sometimes, but worth the humility and letting go that is required to move on after painful disagreements.
• Create an environment of growth by accepting each other - faults, idiosyncrasies, and all.
• Give up the need to be right - at least once in awhile!
• Treat each other with respect and politeness - the same way you treat your best clients, customers or co-workers.

And most importantly,

• LAUGH TOGETHER - humor helps lighten the load of life and is free!