Divorce is a fact of life for many families today. Unfortunately, the experience of divorce for children can be one of grief and loss. It is a highly stressful time for both children and parents. For children, the divorce of their parents is NOT THEIR CHOICE, and they often feel a tremendous sense of helplessness and powerlessness. Most importantly, they hope that their parents won’t also divorce THEM.

In this brief article I will attempt: (1) to identify the effects of divorce on children and, (2) to provide helpful ways that parents can assist their child to cope effectively with the divorce experience.

THE EFFECTS OF DIVORCE

Children ages 0-5 may be unable to label the divorce experience yet they can sense and realize that something is wrong. They will usually react with bodily responses (increased crying, irritability and crankiness, temper tantrums, hitting and kicking) and regressive behavior in sleep and/or toilet training (fear of sleeping by themselves, losing control of their bowels and bladder, thumb sucking or masturbating, returning to a security blanket). The preschooler may fear abandonment and demonstrate separation anxiety by excessive clinginess, following the parent around, not wanting to sleep in their own bed, crying and/or having tantrums when going to a day care provider or preschool.

Children ages 6-11 will usually yearn for the absent parent and often have a strong wish for their parents to get back together. Children this age may take on care for a parent and also feel they caused the divorce. They will show sadness and grief (crying, sobbing, withdrawal), feel as if they are being deprived, exhibit increased anger and aggressiveness toward the present parent, siblings and even peers. It is not unusual for their concentration to be impaired and grades at school to decline. Sometimes, headaches and stomachaches are a common complaint.

Children ages 11-13 have the ability to understand divorce in a realistic manner. Divorce issues are more complex for them due to their increased intellectual capacity and emerging sense of morality. They will commonly view the situation in black and white (someone is right and someone is wrong). Alignment with one parent and joining in the battle against the other parent can happen. The child will demonstrate loyalty to one parent by rejecting the other parent’s efforts to maintain a relationship with them. Feeling shame or embarrassment about the parents’ breakup may be shown as intense anger, moodiness or withdrawal. Academic difficulties may occur, as well as more frequent and intense squabbles with brothers/sisters.

Children ages 14-19 have more resources to understand the divorce because of their increased social and intellectual development. The focus at this age is their peer group and they are usually less involved with the family. The usual stormy relationship between adolescent and parent may be further threatened by the divorce experience. School problems may develop due to difficulty concentrating, chronic fatigue or physical complaints. They may act out emotional distress through arguing, severe moodiness, sexual promiscuity, delinquency or substance abuse. The teen may show emotional signs of distress through depression, suicidal thoughts and loss of self-esteem. They certainly grieve over the loss and change of the family and the loss of their childhood.

WHAT YOU CAN DO TO HELP THEM ACHIEVE A HEALTHY ADJUSTMENT (DO’S)

• Remember that the children need to love BOTH parents.
• Encourage and clearly answer questions about the divorce.
• Tell the truth about the divorce so far as you are able.
• Allow for expression of feelings by your children in ways that don’t hurt them or someone else (draw anger, use action figures or puppets, run, kick a ball, play with the dog, hit a pillow, cry, talk to someone).
• Reassure the children that the divorce is an adult problem and they did NOT cause the divorce.
• Preserve the normal household routines and keep changes to a minimum.
• Try to build similar rules and routines in both homes.
• Make significant adults in children’s lives aware of the divorce (teacher, counselors, doctors, babysitters).
• Take care of yourself and your own well-being –children sense when you are angry, depressed or anxious and can feel confused and helpless. Reassure them that you will always be their parent and offer comfort, warmth and support.

THINGS THAT DO EMOTIONAL HARM AND SHOULD BE AVOIDED (DON’TS)

• Don’t send messages to your ex-spouse through the children.
• Don’t ask children to keep secrets from your ex-spouse.
• Don’t use the children as pawns in power struggles with your ex-spouse.
• Don’t belittle and criticize the other parent in front of the children
• Don’t tell the children what to think or feel.
• Don’t’ put the children in the middle of any conflicts with your ex-spouse.
• Don’t ask the children to take sides or pump them for information about your ex-spouse.
• Don’t use the children as confidants or substitutes for your spouse and friends.
• Don’t compare your feelings to those of your children.
• Don’t’ block your children’s wish to talk and ask questions about the divorce and the changes it brings.

Here are some resources you may find helpful:

BOOKS FOR PARENTS
Mom’s House, Dad’s House: Making Shared Custody Work by Isolina Ricci
Helping Your Kids Cope With Divorce: The Sandcastles Way by N. Gary Neuman
Don’t Divorce Us! Kid’s Advice to Divorcing Parents by R. Sommers-Flanagan, C. Elander & J. Sommers-Flanagan.

BOOKS FOR CHILDREN
Ages 3-6
Dinosaurs Divorce by L. Krasny Brown & Marc Brown
Daddy Doesn’t Live Here Anymore by B. Boegehold

Ages 7-11
It’s Not the End of the World by Judy Blume
Dear Mr. Henshaw by Beverly Cleary

Pre-Teen & Teen
Coping When Your Family Falls Apart by Dianna Bosher
The Boys and Girls Book About Divorce by Richard A. Gardner, M.D.