You’ve probably heard of the “me” generation. And generation X. But have you heard of the “sandwich” generation?

The sandwich generation refers to those of us who find ourselves “sandwiched” in our caregiving between our children and our parents. Often this means that we are juggling the needs of teenaged children, and elderly parents who may be becoming frail and need extra care from us.

At the same time we may have partners and jobs and houses and community responsibilities pressing upon us. When transitioning to being a caregiver for an elderly parent, we are facing strong challenges to the family roles we play. We may be called on to make very serious decisions regarding our family members, ones that we may not feel comfortable making. We may be called on physically (with task assistance), and certainly we are called on in terms of our time. We may feel we have no time anymore between balancing home, work, and the needs of our elderly family member. Add to this that the financial constraints are probably increasing as well as the responsibility level.

Because we are kind and giving and sincerely want to be there for the people who are so important in our lives, we may be running ourselves ragged trying to keep up. And we may be so busy that we don’t even have time to notice how close to the edge we are playing it and how frazzled we are becoming as a result. Or we may have a sense of how fragile we are, but feel guilty about “complaining” because of our sincere good intentions towards our loved ones. We want to be able to handle all we are dealt, and do so with love and compassion.

Unfortunately, the expense of this stoicism is often the physical, emotional and spiritual health and energy of the caregiver. Often this drain on our reserves occurs seemingly without our noticing, and comes to our attention only when pointed out by others, or when our bodies begin to rebel against the strain, or when our mood becomes downcast with feelings of being overwhelmed.

So, what can we do to help ourselves? Well, the first step is taking a self-assessment. We can check in with ourselves and pay attention to our functioning. Am I eating the same or have I had a change in appetite? Am I having problems sleeping? How is my mood? Am I short tempered more than usual? Impatient? Sad? Am I tired much of the time? Or feeling as if things are out of control? How are my relationships? Am I spending time with my partner? My friends? Am I doing any activities which bring me joy? Having any time alone for myself?

Next take a look at the systems in our lives. Are there other family members to help carry the extra responsibility about the caregiving decisions? Are there people I can turn to for emotional support? How about for some time off from caregiving? Any systems I can tap into if I need a break?

One of the key points to be made about taking care of the caregiver is the value of speaking up for ourselves as we identify things with which we need help. Often others in our lives may want to offer help, but are not aware that any is needed or accepted.

We can start by giving ourselves permission to want and have a life of our own. We do not have to sacrifice ourselves unduly to be of service to those we love. We can make conscious decisions about when and where and how much we give. It is helpful to remain aware that we cannot give without being replenished along the way. We will not be able to give at all if we have used up all our resources.

Once we have identified tasks or behaviors that are challenging we can plan how to handle them. Along the way we can use stress management techniques such as deep breathing or meditation as part of our plan. We can make sure we are eating healthy nutritious foods, sleeping enough and exercising regularly.

Having strong reactions/emotions are normal when we are working hard as caregivers. Having a plan for self care is vital. We want to be very kind to ourselves and give ourselves breaks along the way. Avoid isolation, keep up positive relationships, have fun, engage your sense of humor along the way if you can. This is a time to be communicating more than ever. Maybe ask someone you trust to help you set realistic goals and problem solve the tough stuff.

Look at your priorities. Are you still trying to do everything you did before you found yourself in the caregiver role? Are all the things you did still of top priority? Are there things you can relax your standards about?

Look into joining a caregiver support group. Use your community resources including your faith community. Use your EAP or mental health provider as needed. It is hard work to balance emotions when conflicting emotions are present. Sometimes it is helpful to have someone objective to sort it out with.

The bottom line is to give yourself lots of credit for how hard you are working now. Taking care of yourself is one way to acknowledge that credit. The work you are doing is important, and so are you.