We all need boundaries. They help define who we are and who we are not. Boundaries also show us what is ours and what we are responsible for. In the opposite direction they identify what is not our property and what we are not responsible for. Both are necessary. So, for example, we are responsible to others and for ourselves. At the same time, we are not responsible for others, nor is it our job to control the behavior of other people. In addition, boundaries help us keep the good in and the bad out. Healthy boundaries are open enough to allow positive and supportive forces in and strong enough to keep danger out. Unfortunately when people are abused while growing up they may inadvertently do the reverse - keep the bad in and the good out.

Some examples of boundaries include:

Skin - appreciating the physical boundary which separates us from the rest of the world. We actually describe someone who irritates or frustrates us as "getting under my skin."

Words - practicing boundaries such as my two year old grandson does when he says: "No!" "Mine!" and "Go away!" All of these are his ways of differentiating himself from others. One sets a limit. The second declares what he considers his possession. The third defines space.

Truth - being honest with yourself and standing up for your values. The end result is integrity.

Space - putting emotional or geographical distance between yourself and another person to take care of yourself and protect yourself from a hurtful relationship.

Time - taking time to think things through rather than caving in to another person's demands or taking time out to calm down rather than resorting to violence.

Consequences - recognizing that people need to be held accountable for their behavior and that we actually do them a disservice when we let them off the hook.

Others - creating boundaries always involves a support network. Good relationships strengthen our resolve to be ourselves.

Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend in their book, Boundaries, present the following summary of boundary problems:

Adapted from the book: Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, Boundaries, Zondervan Publishing House, Grand Rapids, c.1992.