Seasons of Parenthood: Volcano Dweller

by Bruce Strade, Chief Operating Officer, Lutheran Community Services Northwest

Parents report feeling challenged on all levels - physically, spiritually, intellectually, emotionally - when their children become adolescents from about ten to around eighteen years of age. They switch intermittently between acting like their "old" dormant sons or daughters and then turning into active, volcanoes spewing forth fire and smoke. They experience hormonal explosions that lead to voice changes, pubic hair, breast enlargement, etc., to say nothing of mood swings, outrageous clothing and rebellion against any and all authority.

Parents must be able to cope with the following strikes against them which can challenge the peace and happiness that up to this point they worked so hard to achieve:

Strike one: Fearing that they've been failures as parents;
Strike two: Closing the books on childhood; and
Strike three: The nightmares of their own adolescence coming back to haunt them.

The only way to get to the other side of parenthood-to pass from parenting children to parenting adults-is to learn how to survive life as a Volcano Dweller, treasuring the mysterious beauty of the mountain, as well as the eruptions, the smoke and flame, the noxious gases. The irony of this season is that parents long to be younger at the same time that their children desperately want to be older.

In order to support self-sufficiency and independence parents must become artful jugglers of privilege and restriction as children try out new ways of seeking their own identities. Children show how self-sufficient they are by handling age-appropriate freedom responsibly. As the first circle of parenthood ends, parents' happiness and peace of mind depend on how well both generations have done to balance staying close and letting go.

Pocket guide to Volcano Dweller truths:

  • I thought we'd already gone over the big drop. You discover that the first big plunge was only a small hill compared with the free fall of this season. Keep in mind that you survived being jerked around by the ride so far.
  • Oh, man! I'm not sure I'm going to make it. These last dips and turns really put you to the test. You begin to wonder if you will make it and pray that it will be over soon.
  • I'd forgotten how wild the ride was. You remember feeling insecure and fearful your first time through, promising yourself that you wouldn't get on it again. But here you are, riding it this time with a new seatmate.
  • Is this ride about to end? You can see the end, but keep losing sight of it as you follow the contortions of the track. Toward the end, even though it was really rough at times, you will get emotional as you think back where you have been and what you have survived.
Taken from: The Eight Seasons of Parenthood by Barbara Unell and Jerry Wyckoff.

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This article is meant to be used for informational purposes only. It is not intended as clinical
advice or to take the place of consultation with a counselor or other mental health professional.