Family Remodeling

by Bruce Strade, Chief Operating Officer, Lutheran Community Services Northwest

It's graduation time again. Whether from high school or college, this occasion is an important time of transition. After the pomp, families will be adjusting to new circumstances, to changed relationships.
Graduations are not only important rites of passage for sons and daughters, but for parents as well. While alert to the empty nest issues, parents must also learn to be parents of adults rather than parents of children. This change is the culmination of a letting-go process, which ideally started when the children were toddlers. It means shifting from the role of manager to that of consultant.

In a new book on The Eight Stages of Parenthood*, Barbara Unell describes this transition as the "family remodeling stage." It's when families leave the "volcanic" stage of adolescent children and as it were "renovate" to accommodate their children's exit. Such a change can be difficult, especially if parents have been conscientiously involved in their children's lives. At the same time, it opens up new opportunities for parents to develop relationships that are in many ways even more rewarding.

The following are some suggestions to assist parents in negotiating this stage:

  1. Distinguish between parenting - the active care role that both parents and children outgrow - and parenthood - the emotional connection that is forever.
  2. Re-establish house rules. Agree on what it means to be an adult in the family, with all the basic courtesies and responsibilities that go with that role.
  3. Give yourself time to grieve the loss. Recognize that every loss also represents space waiting to be filled with new experiences.
  4. Redirect your energy. Jump at the opportunity to do some of the things as a couple that you have been putting off. Discuss this with one another first and later with the family. Take more time for yourself.
  5. Embrace technology. Use e-mail to stay in touch and to keep informed on what is happening in one another's lives.
  6. Separate your old dreams from your children's lives. Avoid envying opportunities your children have that you never did: travel abroad, time without a job, etc.
  7. Develop new rituals. Stay connected through family vacations, cooking favorite meals when they visit, but also develop new rituals, such as weekly phone calls, sharing books, etc.

Happy remodeling!

Adapted from an article by H.J. Cummings that appeared in the June 7, 2000 issue of the Star Tribune

*Barbara Unell and Jerry Wyckoff. The Eight Seasons of Parenthood: How the Stages of Parenting Constantly Reshape Our Adult Identities. Times Books-April, 2000.

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This article is meant to be used for informational purposes only. It is not intended as clinical
advice or to take the place of consultation with a counselor or other mental health professional.